The Taciturn Chronicles

after slumber

2009-08-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

after a very long vacation from blogging...here i am 3 months after, still no idea what direction i am going with this grand master plan i had while i was secretly computing my wages last January. hoho. typical me. always putting up the front that i am the type of person that plans every single step that i would take, but is truly just taking it one day at a time, taking in life as it passes me and usually doing nothing about anything. gah! to let down everyone is what i live for. right.

the review? not what i expected. not going anywhere.
the grand vacations? uh, went down the drain.
the people i went home for? nope, not seeing them as much as i would like to.
the problem? unsolved, and is not anywhere near getting solved.

hugging your two faced shit

2009-04-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

i thought everything between us was okay.
well, yeah.
so i thought.

i can't believe how two faced people can be.
that however hard some try to bring unity onto the world, each and everyone of us is just wired to save our own skins, our own interests, regardless of who we hurt.
i am not saying that i am not guilty of such behavior...
it's just that~ i don't do so when it comes to family and friends.

and it hurts me so much now that a friend of mine that keeps up the pretense that everything is okay, goes behind my back and tell the other people on our circle of friends that they HAVE to hold her back because she might say some hurtful stuff to me - regarding an issue that was like six months ago!
i just can't figure out the crap we went through before, all these patching up texts and calls. that i initiated, and she ended. her saying that all was ok already.
there i was, hugging her, saying that i freaking missed her and then she saying fucked up things that was just meant to hint on stuff but never really talking to me, never airing out her issues.
hell, i guess that's why she can't move on.

as of the moment,
i just don't want anything to do with her.

if you could walk on clouds

2009-04-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

i'm baaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk!
hell, i don't think i'm prepared for the Philippines.
the heat! the sweltering, icky, sticky, polluted heat!!!

and oh my, the public transportation...sweet mother of *%^&$^$*!!!

but then again-atleast i could go anywhere i want anytime. sweating my fats off too. sauna on the streets. yey.

gah.
before i even got on the car to go to LAX, there was drama.
on LAX, there was drama.
entering the gate...there was even more drama.
come to think of it, i bought the ticket to escape the drama..
now i'm contemplating if that was the right reason to get on the plane.

considering that there was responsibilities waiting for me here too.
say goodbye to the bum life.

the flight from LAX to taiwan was so freakin' long. considering the seats.
damned hard seats.
and then having a major headache because i was not able to get proper sleep.

from taiwan to NAIA...it wasn't long enough. haha.
it was beautiful-because it was my first time flying with daylight...and the clouds were ... just amazing!

oh and by the way-EVA has crappy food.

so here i am.
enrolled.
jet lagged.
and well,
so out of it.

let's see how this plays out.
keep your fingers crossed.
wish me goodluck.

tied with strings

2009-04-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

i am just a puppet to you.

i want!

2009-04-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

drool*

ANAIS NIN

2009-04-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

Sebastiao Salgado

2009-04-03T01:20:00.001-07:00

if this is what reality is, i'd rather make believe

2009-03-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

4 days into the jobless state.
haha,
told you i got this bum life down phat.
as long as someone supports my ass.

which no one would really do...
haysss.

come to think of it,
it's been a year since i graduated.
damn, does time fly.

i'm aging.
and developing backwards.

this past week, a couple told me i looked 14. a lady at the gas station looked at me and said hi like she was cooing to a baby. and my sister's co worker called me 'sweetie'. like i'm 5 a year old.

somehow,even if i do get offended by people telling me i look like i'm 14 years old,

i can see why.

i dress like i'm 14.

i act like i'm a teenager.

and, my bum life is being supported by my parents.

HA~

it's not really by choice.

no, scratch that,

yes, it is by choice.

i escape into my own personal neverland. i choose not to grow up, because, it's a jumble of everything scary and unfamiliar.

and at the same time, all the grown ups do- i'm not really into.

i turn my brain off whenever i'm forced to act my age.

my own personal security blanket.

blaming everyone and everything.

and now, in a few weeks, i'll be running away from all responsibilites. getting on a plane to pretend that i'm doing the right thing.

somehow. i do wish that i end up doing what's right.

because i can't escape and run away forever.

even peter pan had to grow up.

and hook's ticking crocodile is after me too.

the reasons

2009-03-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

i always was afraid to be with you.

even though i really want to...

but when it gets too close to us being in a relationship,

i pull back.

because, i know it would never work.

never. never.

because i know, that whatever i love in you.
is there because my imagination put it there...

you are real and made believe.

i want to see you, because i know that it will jolt some sense into me.

that you are not who you are in my mind.
that you would only play around,

and honestly-
you will never make the cut. :D

life is real

2009-03-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

all you gotta do is take a step with your right foot after each step done with your left.

he'd wish it was someone else.

2009-02-20T21:59:00.000-08:00

1, 2, 3, 4 - Plain White Ts

an excerpt:

Somehow, there would always be this attachment to you. I would always feel the same things, whatever you do, whoever you are. You are the right kind of wrong for me, and maybe, that's part of your charm. There has been numerous times that I have lost you, but after a while, our lives seem to find each other, like it is intertwined in some weird way. I know that this love for you would never go away, no, not until we finally BE together, and that proximity would end all longing, and ruin the friendship, the memories. I love you, I would always will.

the way i see it # 76

2009-02-15T01:36:00.000-08:00

i have been having starbucks coffee a whole lot ever since 2009 came
around.
maybe because my boss had a sudden addiction to it or it's just that the
weather is geting colder.
but when i went out to have some during friday the 13th; it was my first
time to notice the 'the way i see it' stuff on the back of the cup.

somehow #76 by Anne Morriss hit me as a valentine's day entry.

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating-in work, in play, in
love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the
fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation.
To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

the liberating feeling of being able to really show yourself to someone that you know for sure would never reject you is the reason why everyone looks for "the one". in the process though, we often forget that first and foremost, God has already given us that- our family. in the course of wanting to be able to live in certain standards that our community upholds, driving us to want and acquire, and then want more, makes us forget and ignore the important things in life, just not be able to see our family as people that we could share everything with.

hope y'all had a happy heart's day.

hey, i'm actually an expert at something

2009-02-12T09:12:00.000-08:00

i've got this bum life down phat.

all that's holding me back-is me.

2009-02-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

soooo...
it's february 11. neat. i've been @ my sister's place sitting around, cleaning, organizing, watching lotsa movies, taking care of 3 dogs, and stuffing myself with microwavable food for (tantananuuunnn) 8 days. whoosh. didn't feel the days passing. ugh. the story of my life.

time passing without anything happening to me-except for stupid things of course.
yesterday, i had to go out and buy me some groceries, because i was running low on everything that i could pop unto the microwave. sooo, since i literally cannot drive, even if i have 2 cars sitting outside, and 2 car keys within my reach...i had to walk-to and from. and in the process of making my arms hurt and cutting off blood supply to my extremities-i left the house keys in the doorknob... OUTSIDE. the whole night. yikes. i had the management change the door knob. since stupid me did something stupid.

anyway, the point of the entry is.
my sister is a bitch.
a bitch that gets everything she wants and experiences a whole lot of fun in life, because-she can.
i saw her pictures from over the years. when she was my age, she was living on her own, and experiencing life.
me, i sit around cooped up in a house, because i can stand it. even though i can go out and talk to the neighbors. even if i can find a way to get to the mall. even if i can go out and walk to possible employment. i don't because,
i shy away from life.

soo, with these realizations...and the desperate need of money so that one can live in this world, i would wake up early tomorrow and walk to places where there could be job possibilities.

and i would also make the neighbors some valentine's gifts-bec. theyve been so nice to me... moving my sister's cars when i can't.

loneliness, is that what you call it?

2009-02-08T22:54:00.000-08:00

i've never been alone in a house or dorm for a full 24 hrs before.
now it's been 3 days that i've been cooped up in my sisters studio while shes out frolicking in the sun. i hope that she gets relaxed and rested. to make this stay of mine worth while. im working my ass off here, without pay. ugh.

and the rain is NOT helping.

a repost of feelings

2009-02-04T15:47:00.000-08:00

Ever had the feeling that you are disconnected from everything? It sucks. It doesn’t feel good.
I feel so disconnected from my bestfriends and friends. It feels awful. I see them and they seem so happy and content. I wonder if they feel disconnected from me. You try to reach out but you can’t reach them. I miss them but I wonder if the(y) miss me too.
I feel lonely. Someone hug me.

i saw this at LOLWUT?
she just reposted it and i don't really know who she had reposted it from.

but, whoever you are...

same here.
same here.

i always told you

2009-02-03T00:17:00.000-08:00

f'n NEVER lie to me.
f'n NEVER get together with her.
f'n NEVER disregard me.
f'n BE someone I would want to have in my life.

you just showed me what your priorities are.

i told you to NEVER make me mad.
you know the consequences.

the sky was smiling

2009-02-01T20:16:00.002-08:00

i tried to capture the night's smile.

they are chasing after me.

2009-02-01T20:16:00.001-08:00

it's like one nightmare after another.

somehow, i know you're lonely

2009-01-29T21:26:00.000-08:00

she texted;
not to ask how we are doing.
(because, remember, the world revolves around her)

she texted;
because she saw some hollywood celebrities around the place she lived at.

she texted;
to tell us how much she loves the community;
because it gives you celebrity sightings,
celebrities doing mundane things.

she texted.
i'm surprised she even remembered to text...US.

is it because she wants me to envy her?
if you we're a part of TMZ, and earned money from seeing celebrities-maybe.
is it because we're family?
hmmm....
or is it because, you're lonely?

silent tirade

2009-01-27T22:03:00.000-08:00

with my sister, it's always never a conversation. because if you answer back, or try to make her see reason, or even just trying to make her hear your voice...it's impossible. she'll just tune you out, bitch about what you said, and get her way or twist whatever you say to something that'll piss her off. so i just don't say anything. i just let the all mighty diva rant on and on.

it just drives me crazy though, because i DO have something to say. i WANT her to see that in this life, it's never just about her and how she's having a hard time. and that in a relationship, ANY kind of relationship, there has to be a compromise. that it's not just TAKING, it's a give and take process.

maybe, it's true that she's not obligated to help her family.
and it's true that i will never be able to fly out here without her financially helping with the air fare, would never have found this caregiver job without her feeding us for the first 3 weeks, without her landline...
but the problem is,
she just wants us with her in her teeny tiny studio apartment, so that we could clean it for her and so that we could take care of her dogs. because she's busy. with her work. she took in three dogs to take care of when she can't even take care of herself anymore.
she doesn't realize that we were in that accident because we were trying SO hard to find a job a week after arriving because she's so suffocating. she always says how she's the one feeding us and how hard she's working for us that we were living off of her savings..yada yada yada.
we've been only with her for a WEEK! my mom put out the money for the groceries! we go where she wants to go, she rubs it in our faces that she takes us out, we do what she wants to do, it's hard to breathe when you're treated like a puppet without a brain.
THEN the accident. she wanted to kick us out because to HER, we intentionally went out that day to wreck her car. yeah, right.

my mom and i has been caregivers for almost 6 months now. we don't get enough sleep. we are constantly badgered by the golden girls, if we do get our day off with my sister, she just wants us to clean her house and take of her dogs. we have NO privacy and NO time alone. we're cooped up in a house 24/7 for a few measly dollars. and she f'ng calls here at night just to tell ME that she doesn't understand why we even came here at ALL when we can't help HER. help HER clean HER house. help HER pay HER bills, help HER take care of HER dogs. it's not our life we should think about, we should think about HER life, HER problems. HER, SHE, because in her life it's just " ME, MYSELF and fucking I".

her responsibilities are too much for her.
hell, welcome to life. that's everybody's story!

she also bought a new car.
WHILE we were here, cooped up as live in caregivers.
she said it was MY car, so I pay the bills.
i don't KNOW how to drive.

she said we should find live out caregiving jobs.
oh yeah, so we could be caregivers in the morning and be your slave at night. right.
gag me.

i'm tired.

Hipolito Insights

2009-01-24T18:03:00.000-08:00

Et de ratage en ratage, on s'habitue à ne jamais dépasser le stade du brouillon.
La vie n'est que l'interminable répétition d'une représentation qui n'aura
jamais lieu.

Failure teaches us that life is but a draft, an endless rehearsal of a show that
will never play.
~Hipolito of Amelie

sticks and stones may break my bones...

2009-01-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

temper.
i have very bad temper.
i have very short patience.
some have said that i should go into anger management...they said it as a joke, but then again, jokes are half meant.

a lot of things can get me riled up.
but what really gets me going, are words.

i have a thing with words.
double meaning phrases.
innuendoes.
hidden meanings.
i often read between the lines ~ sometimes, even when there's nothing there to read.
somehow, i got used to the idea that people don't often say what they mean.

i am easily insulted.
insult me or my family ~ and you're toast. if it's a shouting match you want, or you just want to trade insults... just get me going, i rarely back down.

but, recent experiences has pointed something out to me.
i loose. even if i win whatever argument comes my way.
i loose.

because i'm just stressing myself.
i hold grudges.
and i loose friends.
i loose.

if you had a choice, would you choose?

2009-01-19T22:14:00.000-08:00

it's Martin Luther King's birthday today.
and it has nothing to do with how my day went, or how this post is going to turn out.

*_*

well, anyway...
it's a very tiring day. more than usual.
the golden girls has been more difficult lately. especially pilay(Mrs M. S.).
ever since her doctor took her off 2 of her previous medications, she has been more sarcastic, demanding and well, violent. her sarcasm and wild eyes does not help the fact that we chose not to have any day off and that we're burned out from staying to work here longer than we bargained for.
it's a mystery really, what happened to my moms' and my wages. because, it seems like we haven't any money saved up at all. there is my happy go lucky father and brothers that seem to ask for a lot of it back home, considering that they have my father's pention all to themselves because it's minus 2 in the household that the money used to support, oh wait, it's probably because my father does not know how to budget and he's gambling it off anyway, and maybe keep a girl or two to play with, let's also add his leech of a clan always at his side asking him for money because my mom is here.(selfish thoughts, but then those people are selfish too.) oh, oh, and there is that i sometimes shop too much, so that i could have that temporary stress free high of actually buying something.
so, hah.
it all still boils down that out of the 5 months i worked here, i have like 2 months' worth of wages saved up.

i was wondering earlier,
if i even should go back home,
because, speaking for my mom and myself,
wherever we go, it's still like hell, just in different levels.
it's different for her, it's different for me, but really...the basic factors of the places we can go make up those hell for us.
see, if she goes back to P.I., she'll be the caretaker of my father yet again; unwanted and unappreciated. and if I go back, there's the no freedom from the parents and minimal ways of being able to support myself decently if i decide to move out.
and if we stay at my sisters', well, she's difficult to live with-almost impossible. that's THAT.
and if we continue to work as caregivers=what with all our pride, that we seem to have met a fair amount of wackos these past 5 months, and well, caregiving, it really IS a stressing job. seriously.
you'll need serious counseling if you do these for years and years without a break. because it WILL take years before we'll be able so set up ourselves stable so that we could quit. we have to save up for a car, a monthly for the car, a monthly for an apartment, the downpayment, food, utility bills, not to mention insurance for health, the car, etc...it'll take ALOT of money to be able to set yourself free from caregiving so you could support yourself for a few months while looking for another job.
these, THESE, are our choices.
unless i get a go at the NPTE and pass, and THEN get a decent job. but STILL, there's the question of a car to drive, insurance, living with the 'impossible to live with' sister. ugh.

i know that my employers(they live with the golden girls and us at the care home)sometimes wonder why i'm always watching t.v., all these movies and series...i guess, it's pretty much the same reason why my mom can get so absorbed with celebrity news...it's easier to escape into their lives than think about ours.

i'm drying my hands...OHHH YEAH!

2009-01-14T22:35:00.000-08:00

Remember when you graduate from elementary or secondary school? They always ask you what you want to be when you grow up so that they can place it under your picture in the yearbook, almost everyone in my batch when I graduated wanted to be a doctor. Yeah, right.
Haha, I did too. And thinking back, what I really wanted to be was, Sailormoon. Lolz.

So, now, doing the type of work I'm doing with a Bachelor's degree...it kind of pulls the self esteem down, especially when people crack jokes about your work and the people you're taking care of are ungrateful ingrates.

But really, I don't think I ever cared for physical therapy. not while i was scraping through passing my academics and well, pulling off my internship with pure day to day patience...knowing that somehow, it'll be all over.

Now, all I have is a diploma. Packed away in my mothers' suitcase, in case I get around to really studying for the board exams and paying for the credential review.

But recently, I've been thinking about my career options, looking at how the economy is all f'd up right now, and peering through my future, i see that there are options and there are goals. It's just that i need the means to start, or shall I say, the proper boost to start down life.

I have the reasons, and sure hella have all the 'inspiration'...to push me down the road to physical therapy unkown. It's just that, THOSE would not be for me.
I'll be glad to have my start-up in life, and also the means to really help my family already.
But the ultimate question is; would it be something i will be happy doing for the rest of my life?
It pains me not being able to be what my family needs now, but then somewhere down the road, I just know, it'll pain me more not being able to do something for myself too.
And in the process, I'll be bitter and cynical, and would be blaming everyone around me for not being happy.

So, hopefully.. I'll get to save up enough for me to be able to study again or set up my business.
Here's some that I envision myself doing in my mid thirties:
~Being a pre-school teacher( I still want to take up SPED).
~Owning property in the Philippines that I can rent out.
~Owning that Coffee Shop/bookstore/Filipino Store my mom, sister and I talked about.
~Having a small boutique in the Philippines where I can sell shoes, clothes and other thingamajigs I can come up with.
~And my ultimate want: Being a wife and a mother.

I have a lot of wants, and i guess in life, that's the wrong reason to be driven...but then, isn't this why we're all breathing, and getting up every morning?

bright lights

2009-01-12T15:11:00.000-08:00

i was at the dressing room, trying on 3 items.
i was NOT supposed to buy anything, i AM in the process of saving money.
but, being the shop-a-holic i am, all is at a lost, because the items look GOOD on me.

somehow, an idea came to me,
1 of the items did not have the alarm tags, clothes usually have.
i can just TAKE it.
it was on 1 of my other shopping bags, all i had to do was walk out, pay for the other items, and it was MINE!

but then, the shirt got to me.
and i never took the damned thing.

it said in big neon green color:
MY FUTURE IS SO BRIGHT

vintage clothing sites

2009-01-10T19:43:00.000-08:00

Vintage, the new rage.

Clothing
Billie Goat Vintage: http://stores.ebay.com/Billie-Goat-Vintage
Lullie Vinatage Clothing: http://www.lullieclothing.com/ ( a fave for me )
Mama Stone Vintage: http://www.mamastonevintage.com/

Accesories
Doyle and Doyle: http://www.doyledoyle.com/
Hi+Lo Modern: http://www.hiandlomodern.com/

sony vaio=freedom

2009-01-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

we just bought a sony vaio laptop yesterday.
in exchange for no day-offs this month.
err.
i think i'm going to get MORE crazy.

Mrs. Darcy

2009-01-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

I have just finished watching Pride and Prejudice(2005), and another film has hit the romantic in me. There are numerous dreams and occupations for me to aspire to be in the future, but even though i am not the typical 'betty home maker', what i really long to have is a love story so profound and well, romantic, to have my heart flutter whenever i will look back on it. but of course, that would never happen. not now, in our times, not ever. especially not to me. i guess this is the reason why there are fiction writers. from the great love of Elizabeth Bennet & Mr. Darcy to the fantasy love of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen. these love stories is what we want, that's why they are so popular, but these love fairytale would never be ours.

35/36

2009-01-02T18:15:00.000-08:00

studied:
a month of trying to read the whole handbook.
one night of practicing with: 3 failed exams
1 perfect exam
the result: 35/36.

6 mistakes allowed.
congratulate me :)

leanimal:my wedding dress

2009-01-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

Leanne Marshall from Project Runway has given the world this wedding dress, and I want it!

same day, different year

2009-01-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

well, i guess, that's up to me huh?

So i decided that there would be no new year's resolutions to break this year. But there would be GOALS. Goals to achieve. Because 2009 has been decided to be great for me.

my favorite things

2008-12-30T21:05:00.000-08:00

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

◘◘◘

A rainy sleepy day spent at home.

A good book and an engaging movie.

Acoustic music and dancing without inhibitions.

A warm hug and sweet smiles.

Exploring the internet and making something pretty from scraps.

Comfortable silences and laughter shared with family.

A joking banter between lovers.

Clean, fresh air in the morning and peppermint coffee.

These are a few of my favorite things

When your father is sick but cheating.

When the tears fall from loneliness.

When there is anger in the eyes of your mother.

When you are naive and unaccepted.

When you make mistakes and almost die.

When you create worlds and conversations that would never come true.

Simply remember your favorite things.

Yea, it might help.

Some.

uncurable

2008-12-29T19:16:00.000-08:00

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.

~ Helen Rowland

Because men would always be men.
Boys will always be boys.

They would always,
always,
have
their girls,
their toys.

~iamneverlander

this year's end

2008-12-29T14:23:00.000-08:00

what happened this year?

2008 was a year of endings.
earlier this year, my internship ended,
it left me feeling sad because there were more studying to be done.
the 'last stretch' studying before graduation.
and then suddenly it was done.
my batchmates and i were marching at PICC.
i didn't really feel the ceremony.
it breezed past me.
too fast for me to feel and have it ingrained in my mind.
now all i remember of the whole affair was that my feet hurt from my impossible heels.
college ended. sans 'the bang' that i have waited and hoped for that past 5 years.

in the middle of the year,
it was the review madness.
i was all geared up to be in 'the game',
i studied and prepared myself,
only to be strapped in and be put down by my OWN school,
implying all the while that i was not deserving of a chance to take my local boards exam.
because i was not "smart enough".
and they needed the smart ones to pass the shit, so they could promote their school to be breeding super minds.
it was a bitter ending.

then,
i thought i was to start something.
i was scared and excited to be flying out to a different place,
scared because i was leaving my security blanket behind.
i was to try to be an adult.
well,
it didn't go that way.
i'm still in the purgatory in between my teens and adulthood.
no choices, decisions made for you.
problems heaped on you, but no way out.
realizations made,
because NOW, teh ugly truth is out.
plans shattered,
new plans are a big risk.
somehow,
i hope this phase ends with the year.

all of a sudden,
2008 brought one more ending that was the saddest of all endings.
with the last few days of the year,
it ended my family.
with the stupid ways of my father,
the paranoid reactions of my mother,
a passing care of my sister,
how my brothers ignores everything,
and me knowing,
crying,
but can never do anything to make it all okay.

it's a sad year.
goodbye 2008.
i hope you had never come in to my life.

oh johnny!

2008-12-29T10:53:00.000-08:00

it's last song syndrome.

bear with me.

just out of everything

2008-12-23T16:34:00.000-08:00

I'm running out of patience.
very obvious.

can't get a grip on faith.
pretty much troubled.

in a trance

2008-12-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

i'm excited.
when i go home, after a week of getting used to the time difference,
i'm going to ask anyone and everyone...

TAKE ME CLUBBING!!!

headache

2008-12-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

i want to go home, but at the same time not.

i want to work out the problems, but at the same time they don't.

i was good at something and proud of it, now i'm stripped of it because i'm a novice after all.

help me.

i live for..what?

2008-12-10T14:59:00.000-08:00

There are 6.7 billion people in the world.
1,463,632,361 people using the internet.
33 million people are with HIV.
2.2 billion children.
We are also said to be in the Golden Age, because the number of old people is soaring.

There are dreams being fulfilled.
There are dreams being dreamt.
There are dreams being unreached.

How many people in the world may be giving up right now?
How many are lost?
Just like I am?

Back in 2000, i blamed myself for causing a move, getting my family split up and never really complete again. I blamed myself for being a burden. Just recently, i learned, that I was not the reason, I was a factor, but not the main reason. The main reason for that life changing move was, my parents gave up trying to make it work, my mother gave up being at the poor side of the spectrum of life. So we moved back to the Philippines, because $>Peso and whatever my father get from his job was enough for a middle class living.

Now, we're at a point that we are split up again, and my father typed out something that crushed me early today~ see what sacrifice we are going through(being split up for the holidays) just because of you.~
He blamed me for their mistakes. He blamed me for his stupid decision making. He blamed me! ME?!

Yeah, because i ASKED to be here. Because, i REQUIRED that my mother be here. Because I got my sister's car into an ACCIDENT. Because, I am the reason that my sister is so selfish that she had not helped us get settled here. Because I'm so dumb that I can't pass my licensure exam to earn money. Because I did it. Yeah, Blame it all on ME.

Blame me for your leech relatives.
Blame me for your disease.
Blame me, blame me, blame me!

My goal used to be to give back to my parents even just a fraction of what they give me, to let them live comfortably.
I'll still give you that.
but the first chance that I can be very far away from everyone, i'll go.
i'll just send you a postcard.

my parents used to be my reason to get up every day,
to somehow get through it and take a step towards my goal.

now, i don't know why i still get up.
why i still have to fight for no one.

unwritten

2008-12-09T21:47:00.000-08:00

Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield

i want my story to be still unwritten.

not be what it is now,

full of cross-outs,

doodles,

and the writer seems to always have a writer's block.

get me unwritten, lemme go beyond the lines.

lemme start over.

but a curse seems to follow me around.

what?

2008-12-08T16:58:00.000-08:00

23.

at this age most people know what they want to be and is working towards their career goals.

but i don't. i just don't.

i graduated and all.

but i just didn't want to be in the industry i'm in.

no escape

2008-12-07T22:11:00.000-08:00

no one likes to be stereotyped.
so each and every single one of us, strive to be different, strive to be recognized.
but then, once we get older, thinking that we have proven what we are all throughout the years...

someone reminds you of how old you are;

L: You have a 40 year old grand child mom.
Mrs. L: I do? Oh my...how old am i then?
L: You're 89. You also have another grand child that's 50.
Mrs L: (laughs) But I don't feel that old, i feel like i'm 25.

When someone who knows and recognizes the symptoms, they would tell you that you are an Alzheimer's, Stage 2.

whoosh

2008-12-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

the posibility of getting to go home is over exciting me. because for once in my life i'm gonna be home with my own money. plans are forming in my head, i can feel the joy and excitement to the very tips of my fingers! i never felt like this when i was about to leave.:D

anyway, it's all still not sure.
a very big roadblock is still in the way, and things can always go in different directions.

well, if ever i will be able to go home; here's a list of thigs to do and experience:
1. Review for the NPTE
2. Have driving Lessons.
3. Go to a club.:D
4. Have a summer getaway with the boyfriend and HS friends.
5. Meet up with college friends.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
i wanna go home!

overwhelming

2008-12-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

first, she wanted me to come here; because she was alone.
second, we were with her, then she wanted to kick us out.
third, she bought a car, put up $5,000 and wanted us to do the monthly.
fourth, she already has two dogs, then she bought me one.

1. i was not prepared, but i came because, i loved her and pitied her because she's been alone for years.
2. it was an accident, darn it, nobody wanted it.nobody meant for it to happen.
3. hell, i don't know how to drive, you won't let me take that car out for practice because it's YOURS. and i just know for sure, you won't teach me..because you don't have TIME.
4. i can't even take care of myself yet, and you give me responsibility? WTH?!

it's hard to

2008-12-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

it's hard to keep my head above the raging waters my life is turning out to be. there is conflict on all sides and aspects of my life, that sometimes, i just want to give up, and drown.

i'm going with the wave, but up until when would it be like this? i want to fight against it,
am i strong enough to?

i hate the rants, i hate the hatred, i hate the arguing, i hate the problems.
why did everything have to happen?

adulthood, is not fun.
adulthood is stifling.
adulthood is f'd up.

adulthood is here. and it's giving me one hell of a ride.

twinkle:twilight

2008-12-01T23:22:00.001-08:00

so i finally got to see Twilight.

so disappointing! i don't know maybe it's because the movie was no match for my overactive imagination or maybe it's because i worked myself up too much on seeing the movie.

but the lead stars suck!

I was so bored, and the best actor for me for the whole movie was Charlie and the most funny was Jasper.LMAO.

Kristen Stewart just did NOT get the part acted out right, no Isabella Swan there, that's for sure.

And Robert Pattinson, i give credit for LOOKING the part, but somehow, he was only 1/4 of what Edward Cullen really was in the book. Personally, i just think he looked constipated most of the time, and Bella looked like she was always having an epilepsy or was going to have one.

The only things i liked was:

♥ The atop of the trees scene~it wasn't on the book but it was sure nice.
♥ Alice Cullen~she looked the part! yey!

♥ Charlie Swan~he acted the part, 2 thumbs up!

♥ Jacob Black~he's cute ☺

♥ Cullen baseball scene~they got it right.

I'm just so dissapointed with the lead stars.

just imagine if Ed Westwick played Edward Cullen~

& Leighton Meester playes Isabella~

it would've been hella better.

thanks

2008-11-27T14:33:00.000-08:00

it's my first Thanksgiving.
and it's that time of the year where all families are together. It's their 'reunion' time.
it's what Christmas is for us back home.
not that it makes any diiference if i was here or there.
we don't go to reunions, because we avoid the relatives.

we have a big meal, wake up at idnight and pig out.
i think i can do that here.

though my family won't be complete.
and it would be much colder here.

i'm ranting. :P

but there are things that i am thankful for,
and i'm sure you do too,
even with these hard times upon us..
i'm sure you're thankful for many things.

I'm thankful for:

-waking up today.
-having food to eat.
-having a few hours without the Golden Girls
-having the chance to make something out of my life.
-having my parents.
-having my siblings.
-having the boyfriend.
-my friends.
-the internet.:P
-being able to get warm, feel warm , in this soon to be cold weather.
- sooooooooo many more.

what are you thankful for?

factors

2008-11-26T22:07:00.000-08:00

there are decisions to be made.
and i am in a crossroads.
when i go right...
when i go left...
what would happen?
the outcome?

it'a hard when there are others to think about.
when it is not just yourself that your decisions will affect.

and when others are being hard to carry.
dragging you down when you struugle to keep your head up in life's rough waters.

this sucks.
i can't breathe.

i must

2008-11-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

i must learn to:

shut up.
read and remember.
be patient.
be punctual.
be productive.
be forgiving.
be resourceful.
be prayerful.
be thankful.
be loving.

like, i can do this.
seriously?
nah.

3 months

2008-11-19T18:13:00.000-08:00

not even 3 months yet.
but it feels like years has passed.

almost 3 months has passed.
and not one step forward was made.

not even 3 months yet.
and i'm ready to give up.

almost 3 months has passed.
and i'm quite unsure if the fight has even begun.

not even 3 months yet.
almost 3 months has passed.

it's a matter of perspective.

my damned head hurts.

heartbreak

2008-11-16T16:08:00.000-08:00

the thing about this job;
it's not the physical aspects of what you do that get you tired,
it's how it hits your heart right in between the eyes.
emotionally,
being a caregiver is straining.

in the beginning, you will have this profound feeling of being sorry for those you care for.
they are old, lonely, bored and their family seem to have little time for them, that's why they are at a board and care for the aged.

but then, time passes, and you get to know these people more,
but they do not know or remember you.
you have conversations, you have arguments,
but the next day,
you are a stranger to them,
yet again.

then your loneliness kicks in.
homesick for those you love, you get tired more.
you become more sluggish and sedentary.

irritation for those you are caring for, is what you would feel at this point in time.
their habits, their problems, their being difficult, their being demanding..
it gets to you. and you just want to argue with them,
although even if you won the argument,
you would turn out to be the loser,
because you argued with a person who has dementia.
or alzheimer's.
and they won't care who won.
they won't even remember what you argued about.

all your days boils down to a few hundred dollars.
all these emotions felt boils down to the fact that you are bored, lonely, and down in life.
just like those you are caring for.

positive/negative

2008-11-10T23:18:00.000-08:00

everyone says how different we are.
it's like you belong to one end of the spectrum and i to the other.
you're the extreme, i am the bleh.

maybe they are right.
because, sometimes i think that too.

but the respect that others give, or the recognition of what confidence you have...
i want.

but how can others give what i cannot give to myself?

she asked

2008-11-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

mrs. m: what are you doing; wasting time?

me: uh, duh.

this day

2008-11-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

change has come to America.

Barack Obama IS President.

the america syndrome

2008-11-04T11:01:00.001-08:00

Number One:

i saw this on a mannequin outside a store..wanted to buy it, but knew that it'll be way off my budget scope.

i saw lauren conrad wearing this on the Ok magazine & found out it was designed by BCBG, part of their fall 2008 fashion show...

now i realize, what a steal it would have been if i bought it!

i want this dress!!!

Number Two:

Oprah's new favorite gadget. And my new most coveted one. This comes BEFORE the HP touch screen monitor and BEFORE the Ipod Touch. Amazon's Kindle. THE amazing kindle. With a memory card, you can store up to 4,000 books into this gadget. Wow, like, wow. I want this!!!

Number Three:

My own pair of Uggs. For the love of casual comfort.

Number Four:

A Macbook Air. Ahhhhh...

HP Touch Smart. Just because i want to touch.

But then again...i don't have money. and whatever i'm. earning now is so small, and so NOT enough when i indulge myself in shopping. I have to save. There's the debts aka f'd up car. There's the needs aka down payment for an apartment and monthly money for a much needed car. Not to mention if ever we do get to move in to our own place, the monthly bills. And of course, the family's airfare to get here. UGH!

How i wish i did not need a license or that i was smart enough to pass without the need of months of studying. or that i wasn't lazy and did my proper share of reviewing.

this song

2008-11-03T23:23:00.001-08:00

Somewhere over the rainbowWay up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

in one's life,
we always, always, have to have a purpose,
a passion,
direction.
so we dream, and we take that dream to heart and mind, and pursue.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

with that dream in heart and mind,
we sail on to the unknown.
we brave the seas of uncertainty,
facing everything that comes our way.
we seek for the land where dreams come true,
and in our search, we get to be in places where failures seem to crop out everywhere,
and our dreams, seem to be,
out of reach.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

and with our dreams in one hand,
we have our wishes in the other,
we hope,
and we pray,
that all these trials and failures just melt away.
be gone.
and just be a nasty memory.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

But then, after all our hoping and praying...
Problems come one on top of the other.
The problems just never ends.
And you question yourself.
And you evaluate if the dreams you are pursuing,
is worth all these sacrifice.

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Then sadness and desperation gets a hold of you.
Making you forget what dreams you held.
Making you just live day to day.
Surviving...
the endless days.

irresponsible you.

2008-10-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

you were always the one i looked up to.
you are not perfect. but how you lived, was the life i always coveted.

but, living with you revealed aspects of your personality that's just downright awful.
being with you stifles our freedom.
being near you makes us feel small.

your words slashes like a sharp knife.
your actions puzzles us.

what's with you?

passion

2008-10-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

contemplating about what the olsen twins said on their interview with oprah...
they had an early start; what they do now is what they are passionate for.
yadah yadah yadah.
i want to be the third olsen. triplets?:P

it's just that..in all the available industries a person can get in to nowadays...
i am in healthcare.
and i graduated and all...
pursuing the license and all.

but is this what i'm passionate about?

sunshine

2008-10-30T14:26:00.001-07:00

i want to go and live in florida.
seriously.

gimme one

2008-10-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

“A hug is the perfect gift. One size fits all, and no one minds if you exchange it.”–Evern Ball

i like hugs.
i like 'em better than kisses too.

and i haven't had a real good one for a looooooooooong time.

i miss his hugs.

money money

2008-10-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

all the problems of the world has one root.
money.

and all the emotions that it provokes.

shout out

2008-10-20T11:24:00.000-07:00

" help me! help me! please, please, help me!"

that's how Mrs. L asks for help, said in a loud, resonating voice.

and if you don't come immediately, she follows that line with this;

"help me now! now! now!"

and when you're there in fron tof her. all she needs is some toilet paper, or a new adult diaper, or to have her pants/dress pulled down over her ankles.

somehow,

i envy her.

because most of the time,

when i holler

"help me! help me! now now now!!!"

nobody comes.

on the happiest place on earth

2008-10-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

ever since i got this caregiver job, i have felt sorry for myself numerous of times, cried numerous times and wanted to give -up, since day one.

every weekend, we tried amusing ourselves, to no success. you get out of the care home, go to a place where you take care of dogs, and get only half a day of frolicking with someone who comandeers your life like it was her own. talk about wanting to gag.

we went to disneyland this sunday. it was chock full of people and long ass lines, but atleast i had the thrill of going on long, fast roller coasters with some not showing you where the hell you're headed to, and one that showed you how fast and you can hit the ground, go back up, then go down again.

just like life, huh?

anyway,
the woman that we crashed our car into earlier last month has an attorney and has called us. telling us that they will drop the charges and shit if we pay them a certain amount of money. they had their car totaled and to my opinion the amount they want from us is double of what the darned ford was actually worth. but of course, i know nothing and the person who knows everything did not get on her toes and did everything fast and wisely. so, now, everyone is crying their eyes out. we don;t have money, and i've been on my job for 3 weeks now, and i'm still way too deep in debt.

this is all so stupidly hard for me.

every single one of us just wants to get as far away from each other.

oh, if only disneyland was really the place where dreams come true.

heck no

2008-10-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

in the strangest turn of events, what i am today is a very far cry from the life that i have imagined for myself out here in the beautiful state of California. during the flight going out here, i was a bundle of mixed emotions. sadness was dominant, but there was a budding hope and a streak of excitement. i get to redo my life, and re-invent me. you don't get a lot of that in your lifetime. when we got to the studio/apartment, i put aside my sadness, put up a brave facade, all smiles, i said to myself that i came out here to experience the real life, be an adult and all that crappy stuff...get a job and be miserable. so for the first week, i went out and applied for all the outlets i could get to, with my mom driving the car, because i still don't know how to drive and frankly, i don't really care for it.

but then, the ACCIDENT happened.
and everything went downhill from there.

for the first time, i saw my mom breakdown. i was afraid that she'll go crazy. yes, i did have psych subjects in college. but why the hell did they NOT present cases like these? i was so scared but had to be brave. i was so weak, but had to be strong. i wanted to cry and holler " Why Life?? Why???!!! " but had to keep quiet and comfort someone else. i wanted to run, but i had no where to go and no means of getting out.

we just had to get out of that studio/apartment.
we have no money.
we have no car.
we have no other relatives.
and now, we are in debt. beacause we did not own the car we wrecked, and we hit another car too. so we have to pay for what the insurance of the owner of the car has payed for that other car.(senseless, sense-full?)

so we found a job that requires no traveling, but you work 15-24 hours, and you are underpaid(in 8 hour job terms).

mom and i are now live-in caregivers.
unglamorous, unglorified, unrecognized and the pay is under-the-table.

life, as it is for this 23 year old.
sheesh.
get me outta here.

get me outta here

2008-09-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

it's like whenever i get to think about gaining freedom from EVERYONE,
life makes me fuck up and gets me down.
life binds me into a situation where it makes me, not be free.

just let me get mad.

2008-09-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

it was only today that the internet was set up.

i think the kit arrived a week ago. i don't really know, because for me, it feels like it's been months... so, i've been writing stuff on a pad paper for like two weeks, i haven't tuped it in yet.

oh but i am so irritated with HER. and so frustrated with myself.
HER is a very close relative and i am living with HER right now, making HER the bread winner and all...while i'm still looking for work.

HER is driving me crazy, with her controlling character and HER i'm your highness attitude.

she got me a cellphone, and she's paying for the bill, FOR NOW.
she said it was MINE.

but darned HER heard my friggin' cell ringing the other night(it was a friend calling, and i did not answer his call because it was really late at night), the call passed, but she just HAD to call him back to tell him not to call HER 23 year old realtive so late at night anymore and that it was not my phone because she's paying for it..
i let it pass, because technically, it's hers and i have a very long patience, but the problem is,
she's doing that to show me that she is the higher power of us two, that she can embarass my friends because she can.

last night, the significant other called me, for the very first time,
it was only 10pm and she friggin' told me to put the effin' phone down.
i snapped. long patience gone. with the series of 'i'm your highness' attitude for the past two weeks, has finally got to me.

i'm not really making sense. maybe when i get done with typing my 2 week sojourn to writing in paper into here, you'd understand.

i just want to run away.
very far away.

surrealism

2008-09-23T12:35:00.000-07:00

18 days.

i've been here 18 days. and i feel like i have been here for years.

when i arrived, i was very eager to share how the flight was, i was so darned envious of this one guy across the aisle during the flight from guam to hawaii...he was able to talk to his girlfriend and was entertaining himself with his PSP, he was also using his laptop...

ugh.

shallow wants.

i feel like i took a big leap from the child who NEVER wants to grow up,

to this very old and heartsick person who just wants to run away from everything childish or childlike or from anyone that tells me what to do...

and be able to stand up on her own.

i was excited to start.

and then all of a sudden, excitement was a thing of the past,
depression looms,
and reality takes a hold of me.

underwater

2008-09-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

i'm leaving tomorrow night.
by this time tomorrow, we'll surely be at the airport, sitting around, waiting to board the plane.

ugh.

i feel awful.
i feel nervous.
i'm excited.
and i have a headache that makes me want to puke my innards out.

it reminds me of that feeling i had back in 2nd year college,
and i was about to take my finals exam in swimming class.
we were expected to cross the olympic size pool in any swimming style we learned throughout the semester. you dive into the pool and do the butterfly/back/breast/freestyle stroke; it doesn't matter how long it takes you, you just have to get across.

i attended every class, never skipped one.
i can kick like hell in water, but my uppers has no strength.
and out of all that was taught, i can only do 2.
the back stroke and freestyle...and i manage to drown myself too most of the time because i never really learned how to breathe.

drunk with dirty pool water, and many many many stops later,
i was there, on the other side of the pool, done with the finals.
i made it.

back then,
i knew what my purpose was.
i knew the things i needed to do to get there.
the only thing i didn't know was, if i can really do it. carry it out.

right now.
i know nothing.
all i have is my resolve of taking each day one at a time.

and it makes me sick.

here goes one of the lost boys,
with the task to swim across life into adulthood.

wish me luck.

beep beep

2008-09-04T08:01:00.000-07:00

i have this love-hate relationship with Philippine public transportation.
who wouldn't love being able to get anywhere at anytime you want without having to own your own car or better yet, without knowing how to drive, right?

oh but i hateHateHATE everything else!!!

on drivers:

i hate how some drivers get so dem reckless.

i hate how some drivers make the whole stretch of the road as a 'terminal'; they friggin stop at EVERY person they see standing at the side of the road. EVERY ONE! the motion that you do to make them stop for you? it doesn't really matter anymore. because even if you don't do that, almost all the PUV that will go by you WOULD stop.

i hate how some drivers go oh so slowly, so that they can spot the people standing at the side of the road and stop at every one of them.

i hate how some drivers get bills changed in the MIDDLE of the road.

ARGH.

on the other side, i do know why they are like circling vultures out on the road.
there are simply too many of them and each and every one needs to make a living.

so if you're like me who hates all these in a driver, get your ass out an hour earlier that the expected time of travel.

on roads:

bumpity-bumpity-BUMP!!! cracks and pot holes. and on some subdivisions~ a whole lot of humps.

one word~traffic.

on traffic officers:

i hate the "one way" scheme by the way. like WTF? you're just creating traffic on 1 side then let the other side flow freely then vice versa. if you just let it be, then we'd all be getting a move on!

oh you darn vulture around for people to get money from. grow up and do your job!

~yey!
ranted.

license to kill

2008-09-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

my goal this week was to find a potential job on line.
new graduate that i am, my line of industry requires a license to practice. without a license you amount to nothing. rar!
so i am applying for jobs outside the scope of my grad course.

developments

2008-09-02T07:39:00.001-07:00

err.
it's not my first time to leave the country, thinking that i would never be back to live here anymore/be back after a VERY long time..
it's the second. and i can't remember how i packed everything when i was to leave teh Philippines for a little dot of an island in the pacific.
so anyway.
i'm having a hard time now. because, i have all these stuff i want to bring with me with thoughts of "i'm only allowed 2 50lbs luggages and 1 30lbs carry-on. & my sister's place is like so small, if i bring anything more, there won't be any floor to walk on."

well, i guess i have to make do.

guys, the following pictures are to show my room before and after the packing.
in my cleaning my little room, 2 realizations came to me...
i am one hell of a pack rat and a lousy room keeper.LOL.

spot the difference:

thy little despididas

2008-09-02T07:11:00.000-07:00

i'm leaving this weekend.

so i decided that i should go see all the people that i considered my 'friends'.
today, i was with some of my elementary friends.
yep, elementary.

it was a simple get together at a friend's house, i simply brought a lot of snacks.^^
we talked a bit, and did what everyone i know just seems to like to do in gatherings like this~videoke.

i simply don't know WHY almost everyone i know worships magic sing. i myself like singing to tunes once in a while, but do magic sing for hours? ugh. but that's not the point of this entry.

the point of this entry is,
i haven't seen this people for years. it's my fault really, i got too busy doing other stuff and just never had time or never used my resources to atleast let them know that i DO think of them from time to time, and that i DO miss them.
i don't know their lives anymore.

but a few days ago, i called and texted them if we can go see each other.
it's mean that i just went to see them and want to because i'm leaving...but to make a long story short, a quarrel came up years ago, and it just turned me off. so...i just never communicated again. now, i regret doing that.

i know they were mad because it seemed that i forgot about them.
but when i asked them to come see each other, they had no second thoughts in doing so.
when i was with them, i realized how much i MISSED these people.
and now that i'm off to another continent.....
it's harder to get closer to them now.

lost time.

dawn of a new age.

2008-08-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

tough. very tough.
that you have to be when you are one of the new age kids.

new age kids defined as; kids with a dysfunctional family and/or very quarrelsome parents(that you have no effing idea why they got married in the first place).

really.
my sister complains that she's lonely.
yes, that's tough too, because you literally feel like you have NO family. and people around her are like in a rat race that never stops. so friends or no friends, nobody takes care of her.

but like the coin that Scarface (of the Batman Series) always flips...
life has two sides.
the squeaky clean and the scarred.

i have the family that takes care of you physically.
but scars you emotionally.

what cheesy crap.

what i hate most is...
i seem to cannot do anything to make it better
and i also obviously help make it worse.

reading what i just typed...
it looks like a fifteen year old was going through a tough time at home.
but, wait,
i turned twenty three today.

and this story is like a broken record that keeps on playing day after day after day...

it has been 8 years since i first cared.
it has been 8 years since i first understood.

how many more years will it take before all these disappears?

*sigh*

the parental unit never did choose the right time or place or manner to quarrel.
they just do.
whenever, wherever, however.
human emotions at war.
blah blah blah~ *crash!*

at the dawn of my 23rd year.
they made me realize...
how much i do NOT want to get married.

at the dawn of my 23rd year.
i feel like a 15 year old.

1825

2008-08-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

we're celebrating 1825 days together.

whoa.
backtrack for a minute.

1825 days?!

i never really thought it would last this long.
i was like;
"3 months. tops."

wrong.

the recipe for a relationship to last this long...
"get a good guy."

harhar.
there.
i complemented you and insulted myself.^^

happy anniversary.

whew

2008-08-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

totally relieved.

although i have a bad cold...
that i don't know where i got.

God is good!

and there i go again.

2008-08-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

somehow...stupidity rules the roost in thy brain.

how many times have i been warned?
how many times did i tell myself to stop all this nonsense?
how many times have i talked to myself that this is not the right time?

err...

but still i go on.

this is the second time fear grips my heart.
and i am going to do something about it.

wish me luck.

(vague post)

booked.

2008-08-21T00:56:00.000-07:00

Er..
My flight is booked on September 6th!!!!

Whew.
Really i feel relieved because i could ACTUALLY go.
But then, it now stresses me out unreasonably because there's so many things to do!

Things to do before i leave:
1. Pack all that i can bring.
2. Pack everything i cannot bring, store and label them.
3. Plan a birthday suplayss (surprise) for the boyfriend. *heck wait, that's tomorrow!*
4. Actually read the darned reviewer i bought because i cannot bring xeroxed materials.
5. See all my 'friends', * i wish i had money!* and hope that they have money to see me too. *it's so hard to be newly graduates.*
6. Spend a great anniversary this coming week!\m/
7. If i have the resources, have a birthday/despidida get together...
8. See my lola and her newly adopted grandchild.
9. Shop for last minute stuff.*eg. pasalubong
10. Do something about my hair. *hehehe.

It's sad though, because, really, i don't want to tell anyone that i'm leaving.
*so great that you guys don't know me.^^
But then, no one seems to have the cash or the time to get together with me.
Sadness!

try and try until you..

2008-08-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

drop dead because of tiredness.

ugh.

i'm trying to reach out in means that i have.
*hugs the internet and computer*

i am unemployed.
hence no money for load.

i am unemployed.
hence no money for going out.

i am unemployed.
hence the reaching out to friends thru the internet.

and i wish they would too.

effort here!
effort!

on discoveries.

2008-08-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

blogs are such treasure troves.
you can peek into a persons' character,
their deepest thoughts flagged before the whole world.

and i never knew that one sarcastic friend of mine has deep thingamajigs hidden under her tough shell...

i saw hints of it in our 7 years of friendship.
but i guess they never deem me as a person you can share deep dark thoughts or happy thoughts with...

hmmm..

blogs are so lucky.

hot dem

2008-08-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

you are so effin FAKE.

that's all.
*bow*

heartache, heartbreak

2008-08-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

i never was popular. i never wanted to. i'm just not that type.
always, i belonged to a small circle of friends.
back in elementary school, there was just three of us.
then in middle school, there was just three of us.
in highschool, we were five..but really there's supposed to be seven of us.
and in college, we were five too.

i'm counting here.
rambling.

i'm counting because i don't know what happened to these 'close friends'.
somehow, not even one is left.

i don't know where i went wrong.
relationships changed i guess.
but somehow, they all leave me feeling that i was a lousy friend.

i do take time to contact them. but they're just, i don't know unreachable?

and in the course of the friendship, sometimes, you see their bad sides.
and it turns me off.

i just, up and leave.
it takes me years to forgive.
and i never forget.

i remember, one friend, took a boyfriend away.
then another quarreled with me because of a petty misunderstanding about money.
i just went away. and i still long to yell "eff you betch!". hehehe.

anyway.

hmm, did they give up?
or did i?

Katrina Holigores

2008-08-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

I just love how she writes.
Two of her previous Inquirer columns are saved in an old diary(read: DIARY. i just discovered multiply in 2006 and blogging in 2008).

Here are some excerpts from The Unreality of Today's Reality and Playing by the Rules.

Keeping it real has never been such an Extra Challenge. We are riveted by man-woman dynamics via Blind-Dates. gripped by Survivor Tactics during an Amazing Race, and have given an Ambush Makeover to the English language by breathing life to the term Queer-eye.
...
Think about it, if the life you and your friends lead is truly fabulous, why would you have time to pay attention to those whose lives aren't?

---

In the Game of life, we often hear ourselves cry "foul!". We feel cheated, discredited, unjustly passed from point A to B.
...
Life does play fair. We just have to follow some of its rules and remember how good it is to be a lifetime member.

---

See?
And often times, whenever her articles caught my eye, at that exact moment I was in need of those advices.
I look forward to having an archive of her work available.
In the meantime, here is her personal blog: Katrina Holigores

More power to you! :)

new eye glasses

2008-08-12T04:04:00.000-07:00

ugh.
i never really knew what my vision is, the doctor never explained the printout their machine gives out. but earlier, the optometrist said something like my right eye is 20/100 and the left 20/40.
when the glasses were done and i tried it out(walking. turning, looking up and down and around), it's like a headache came running to me and hit me hard.
i'm still getting used to it, now when i put it on, it makes me dizzy for a few minutes, and the same thing happens when i take it off.

i look so dorky and my glasses are so cute!
~rambles.^^

it's all about MOMS

2008-08-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

mom and her sushi face

first and foremost..
i know i'm not the only one with a mom. and i'm not the only one who would refer to my mom as my superhero/idol.
it's just that, i have only realized recently how much my mom has sacrificed for our family.
i do know that raising us and keeping us in school is a hard and costly affair and has always been thankful to my parents for scraping us through it all...
but the realization of how hard everything really is for my mom has only come recently because it is just now that she deemed me adult enough to know the underlying problems. those 'little things' that can really gnaw away at any human beings' resolve to live.
and i just commend her for pulling through it.
and still pushing through it.

yes, i know the entry is kinda vague, bear with me.^^;

the family is going through hard times,
and i decided to not hold any grudges to my parents about whatever is lacking in my life.

mmm..Ambango!(mmm..Smells Good!)

2008-08-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

I would just like to share a new rave.
St. Ive's Body Wash scents makes me smell good!XD
The ones that i just loveLovELOVE are the cucumber melon and the lavender.

bitter kung bitter

2008-08-10T21:37:00.001-07:00

ugh.
i was robbed of a dream vacation.
i've always wanted to go to boracay!
and now, when i'm supposed to have that vacation for a graduation gift~ the dream is just not possible anymore.
argh.
everything going higher these past few months took it away!
now, i have to hunt for a job immediately.
after how many years of grueling college studies!

okay.
end of rant.

english ba o filipino?

2008-08-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

yes, i am female.
i do have the necessary parts to be considered as one.
oh, but somehow androgens got in the way and decided to have a special spot in my body.
always seen. it's a bulk!
ehem*no dirty minds please.
it's a bulk! in my neck. haha!

oh but anyway.
i have never been your girly-girl type. or your typical tomboy type.
i just don't 'do' make-up, my make-up kit consists of loose powder, blush and lip balm.
TA-DA!
WTH, i'm pretty. *ehem. enough. and plus, it makes me look like i'm 'bayot' when i have too much on.
and i don't shave my legs.
and i rarely put lotion on. heck, it's hot enough in this country. but, sometimes, i do put lotion on, kahiya naman na may white scratch lines ako parati.^^
i also know next to, uh, nothing on nail care.
hmm, i would like to dress-up every once in awhile..sometimes, when i go out, i do like dressing up but before i get out of the house i change my mind and run to my room and change into my usual jeans and shirt and slippers style. *eek.

i mentioned that i was not "tomboy/butch like" because,
well, first of all, i don't look like one. and, i am not the sporty type either.
*weh.

anyway..
i don't know.

i wish for change when i'm outta here.
because, i must admit,
sometimes,
okay, MOST of the times,
guys are not the ones that turn my head when i'm walking around a mall.
girls do. *oopps! no dirty minds again please.
because i analyze what made my head turn in the first place.
was it how she dressed?
or walked?
or was it her make-up?

i'm trying to find girls to hmm, imitate, in some ways.
superficial ways, yes.
but i don't 'dress-up' or have the guts to be too different because i don't like the staring.
it's hard when your at the other end you know?
and i hateHAteHATE catcalls (or is it dogcalls?hehe) form tambays and drivers and such. *yick. haha, because, its rare that cute guys do, just them tambays.

so when i get outta here, out of the 'mapanuring mata' i wish that i'd have the guts to take care of myself better.and appreciate myself, and experiment in how i can enhance BOTH my inner and superficial self.^^
ha!

imposible!

2008-08-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I do not own the videos, i have nothing against the products endorsed or its endorser.

ang ayaw ko lang naman ay yung parang may sariling buhay yung buhok ng endorser. kamusta ka naman, pag gumamit ka ng produkto nila, magkakaroon ng sariling 'gracefulness' ang buhok mo! magaling.^^
example:

it's what i call nostalgia

2008-08-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

i used to write poetry,
back when i was a disturbed teener. (now i blog. XD)
okay, so not really 'disturbed', more of what all teenagers go through~misunderstood.
i wrote emo-ish freestyle poetry and posted them on darkpoetry.
i kept some of my work, but they seem to be lost now, ever since our computer crashed last year.

now, i've been cleaning my room, throwing out all the junk i horded through the years so that i could fit all that represents my life into a box not exceeding 50lbs and 30lbs for my carry-on.

the relevance of the earlier sentence is~
i found some of my poetry. and i would like to share one that does not entirely show my 'dark' or 'misunderstood' years.^^

i love this because my lit. teacher in 9th grade discovered this tucked away at the back of my journal for his class.

this were my lines (it pretty much shows what a pessimist i am.):
The beauty of a rose.
The finality of its death.
Just a brief instant,
When its beauty took your breath.

and this was his answer:
Past the brittle petal,
Beyond its withered husk,
There lies the beauty of a rose.
The moment never truly passes,
The memories never really fade.

i was going through a difficult time when he gave my journal back to me.
and somehow, the poem helped me through.
i related the rose to life.
and i never had the chance to really say 'thank you.'
if i ever get back to JFK Highschool, i'd definitely look him up..

Panimula

2008-08-09T00:52:00.000-07:00

oo, magaling lang ako sa simula.

napakadali naman na kasi ang gumawa ng bagong e-mail, ng blog, at kung ano pang anik-anik sa internet. napakadami naman na kasing naglitawan. una yung mga networking sites: friendster, multiply, xanga, myspace, etc. etc. na ang naging purpose na lang ng mga tao ay ang magpadami ng contacts na hindi papansinin.

nahagip din ako ng craze na yan. sinalihan ko ata lahat. hanggang sa hindi ko na matandaan ang mga user name at password na pinaglalalagay ko. marahil, hanggang ngayon palutang-lutang sa web ang mga accounts ko na yun.

mga tatlong taon din ako nawalan ng balita sa internet, multiply ko na lang at friendster ginagalaw ko. kunwari, busy ako sa pagaaral.

ngayong kasali na ako sa milyon-milyon na unemployed sa ating bansa. internet na ulit ang pinagkakaabalahan ko.

kung kelan ba naman ako nakapagtapos saka nagtaasan lahat ng bagay sa mundo. mataas na pamasahe, mataas bilihin, mataas na baha dito sa may amin tuwing naulan, mataas na interest sa banko ng nakurakot na pera ng presidente natin…etc. etc.

mas lalo tuloy ko hindi makalabas ng bahay. ni singkong duling wala ako. nakakahiya naman humingi ng humingi sa mga magulang ko dahil 2 na kami ng kapatid kong ewan ang pinagtapos na wla pa ring trabaho.

speaking of my brother dear, sya lang ang makapal ang mukha na humihingi ng pera hanggang ngayon sa aming mga magulang. tama ba naman na halos isang taon na sya tambay? nasanay na ata at nagkakalyo na ang pes nya. ay, i-minus mo pla yung 3 buwan nya sa call center. hindi kasi sya nakatagal. hirap daw byahe. 7 months. pitong buwan sya tambay?! sus. sana makahanap na ako ng trabaho.

asan na ba ako? naka naman, nadala nanaman ako ng pagrereklamo ko.

kaya andito ako, dahil nakita ko kumikita ng pera dito,

datung pare! kaya ko naman gawin yung mga ginagawa ng iba dyan na kumikita kaka-blog.

yun nga lang, medyo behind na ako. andami nang bagong mga ekek ang lumabas.

ba, may twitter, may plurk, may mybloglog…at may blogawards na!

big time na nga ang mga events. mala oscars.

tapos parang alien language ang nakikita ko sa adsense, blogvertise…

marahil dahil busy yung utak ko kaka-process ng information mula sa blogniinday.(lafftrip) na blot-out tuloy yung information sa mga pagkukuhanan ko ng kumikitang kabuhayan. uulitin ko nalang ulit.